The Olympic Song Olympics: winners, losers and disqualified dopers

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Tonight, all eyes will be on London.

The 2012 Olympic Games officially begin this evening with the lighting of the Olympic Cauldron, the culmination of an extravagant opening ceremony directed by Danny Boyle. Over the next few weeks, the world’s greatest athletes will compete to be the fastest, the hardest, the craftiest, the best. But for us, well, the competition has already begun.

The last month or so has seen the emergence of several Olympic-themed songs recorded by well-known pop stars – and a fair few chancers – from the so-called Isles of Wonder. These songs range from the apparently sincere to the desperately cynical, the earnest to the satirical, the officially commissioned to the opportunistically cobbled-together; the only thing they have in common is how dreadful they all are.

Actually, that’s not entirely fair. There are some creditable entries in the offing but by god, are they in short supply. Over the next three pages we award medals to our three favourite 2012 Olympic “anthems”, acknowledge the existence of five that failed to place, shame one that failed to finish, and disqualify one on the basis of a well-earned doping charge.

DIZZEE RASCAL FEAT. PEPPER
‘SCREAM’

Actually good. No, really. After Dizzee’s abominable ‘Shout’, recorded with human plasticine lump James Cordon for the World Cup 2010, we feared the worst, but on ‘Scream’, surely, in terms of lyrics, the best effort recorded for the Games, even if the grime kid done good doesn’t quite hit it out of the park, he comfortably scores a 4.

CHEMICAL BROTHERS
‘THEME FOR VELODROME’

In its own way, every bit as proggy as the Muse track – the intro, with its “VEL-O-DROME” call and almost comically driving arpeggio, sounds tailor-made for a screening at the IMAX – but once the track’s kicked into life, it’s actually not bad: certainly the odd slightly off-beat drum hit gives that jagged, factory line production a human touch that’s missing from most of the dance music we’ll hear at the Games.

ELTON JOHN vs PNAU
‘GOOD MORNING TO THE NIGHT’

Ever sat down to watch clay pigeon shooting or handball and, twenty minutes later, found yourself oddly transfixed? Strong contender ‘Good Morning To The Night’ pulls off the same sleight of hand. Elton’s full-throated hook creeps up on you, and Pnau’s hyper-saturated, endlessly looped disco cut-up proves curiously beguiling. Track and The Field.

DID NOT PLACE

BLUR
‘UNDER THE WESTWAY’

Not an official Olympics commission per se, but a self-styled response to the event from the band set to play at its Closing Ceremony. A plaintive rabble-rouser that sees Albarn in full Ray Davies mode, expect to hear soundtracking a “British hopeful leaves contest empty-handed” montage near you soon.

DELPHIC
‘GOOD LIFE’

We’re just relieved that we didn’t include them in last week’s Whatever Happened To… feature. That would’ve been embarrassing.

MARK RONSON & KATY B
‘ANYWHERE IN THE WORLD’

Garage girl Katy B wears her heart on her sleeve, and it’s over dance-inflected beats that she sounds like she’s having the most fun – and where her music’s at its most infectious. ‘Anywhere in the World’ doesn’t quite hit the heights of Katy’s debut album, On a Mission, but as far as chart pop of this size goes, it’s more than competent; a reliable third runner in any relay.

TINCHY STRYDER & DIONNE BROMFIELD
‘SPINNIN’ FOR 2012′

The official song of the Olympic Torch Relay sees Ruff Sqwad’s breakout star teaming up with Winehouse cutting Dionne Bromfield. Like the torch route, it goes on far too long and tries too hard to keep everyone happy, but, in spite of Tinchy’s hopelessly bland bromides, there’s at least a bit of good old fashioned cheer to proceedings (not to mention some Danja-friendly drum programming).

ELBOW
‘FIRST STEPS’

Presumably peeved at not getting the call from Disney first time around, Guy Garvey’s dreary band of brothers hastily scribble their own version of ‘The Circle Of Life’. Dull as beige ditch-water, but moderately redeemed by the fact that 1. no-one tries to do any rapping, and 2. Keith Allen isn’t involved.

DID NOT FINISH

MUSE
‘SURVIVAL’

For the first two minutes, you’re almost ready to respect ‘Survival’ for its sheer ambition – when an intro featuring the world’s largest string section and a choir of harnessed angels gives way to Butlins holiday camp piano, you kind of think ‘okay, this is your moment Muse, this is the big one, you’re just going to pack every possible sound into this five minutes and fair play to you.’

But then the lyrics (seriously, google them) happen, and the Freddie Mercury backing vocals come in, and then they’re joined by a deafening high-pitched accompaniment, and a thousand guitar solos happen at once, and you wonder why they didn’t just ask Dream Theater if they wanted to go down that route? Because whereas it’s actually quite reassuring that there’s people alive who like, and will always like Dream Theater, the fact that Muse still aren’t talked about like a really embarrassing game of “I have never” with your cousins is just baffling. Listen to this man’s vocals – just listen to them. That last high note. It’s incredible stuff like this exists, it really is. Skrillex, who apparently inspired the song, must be mortified.

FAILED DRUG TEST

FIT LES
‘THE OFFICIAL FIT LESS OLYMPICS ANTHEM’

Fat Les, newly reincarnated as Fit Les, follow up the fey, tender, delicately wrought ‘Vindaloo’ with a long overdue slice of music to brain yourself to. Even with an unmitigated shitstorm of a video (ostensibly production-managed by G4S) it’s only marginally more palatable than the thought of enduring this.

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