Blawan by Bryan Derballa

Let’s face it – a classic isn’t a classic without a killer title to match.

“It’s all about the music”, crow the idiots. Not so – everyone with a fluid ounce of music nerd blood in their veins quietly understands the importance of a cracking track title. It’s an art that only a small but crucial minority of electronic producers understand – for every hundred examples of say-what-you-see drudgery (‘Monitor’), overearnestness (‘Aurora Borealis’) and wayward technofetishism (‘4076_dfgk.exe’), you’ll chance upon a gem that at least raises an eyebrow or a chuckle.

Following an extensive (and, we have to say, extremely enjoyable) FACT Towers poll, here’s our ever-so-scientific breakdown of our 100 favourite dance music track titles. Prepare for a conveyor belt of dirty butchers, naughty knights and really, really ill-advised puns. Oh, and a special hat-tip to Surgeon, Blacknecks and Neil Landstrumm, who could probably knock out 100 corkers between them given the chance.

01. Surgeon – ‘Muggerscum Out’
02. Untold – ‘You Didn’t Win The Holiday’
03. Legowelt – ‘Dimensions Of An Ancient Bird Race’
04. Aphex Twin – ‘Bucephalus Bouncing Ball’
05. Evolution – ‘The Experience of Taking a Step into Someone Else’s Dream’
06. Kingbastard – ‘An Interruption in Electric Service, Sanity, Continuity, or Program Function’
07. Joy Orbison – ‘Big Room Tech House DJ Tool – TIP!’
08. Thomas Grinder – ‘Bastard Sold Me Bald Tyres’
09. d’Eon – ‘My iPhone Tracks My Every Move’
10. Drexciya – ‘Dr. Blowfins’ Black Storm Stabilizing Spheres’
11. Slackk – ‘Wash Your Face In My Sink’
12. The Railway Raver – ‘The Eyes of Garfield (Part II)’
13. I B M – ‘My Life as a Skinny Puppy’
14. Space Opera – ‘Mandate My Ass’
15. Kallisti – ‘Coke Priest’

16. Moodymann – ‘Ulooklykicecreaminthesummertyme’
17. Juju & Jordash – ‘Dr. Strangepork’
18. Terror Danjah – ‘Zumpi Hunter’
19. Rotterdam Terror Corps – ‘God is a Gabber’
20. Yee-King – ‘Jazz Smells Funny’
21. Kid 606 – ‘It’ll Take Millions in Plastic Surgery to Make Me Black’
22. Michael Forshaw – ‘Septic Elbows’
23. Skinny Friedman – ‘Alison Brie Running in Slow Motion’
24. Perc – ‘London, We Have You Surrounded’
25. Matmos – ‘Steam And Sequins For Larry Levan’
26. Vessel – ‘Misery Is A Communicable Disease’
27. Karenn – ‘A Room Full of Fuck All’
28. Jamie Lidell – ‘La Scappin Rööd’
29. Todd Terje – ‘Inspector Norse’
30. Shackleton / Appleblim – Soundboy’s Ashes Get Chopped Out and Snorted [actually an EP title, but we couldn’t resist]

31. Rustie – ‘Inside Pikachu’s Cunt’
32. Disco Nihilist – ‘You Never Leave Your Room’
33. Marcus Mixx – ‘Use Your Mouth to Love Me’
34. DJ Sprinkles – ‘House Music Is Controllable Desire You Can Own’
35. Loose Joints – ‘Is It All Over My Face?’
36. The Martian – ‘Sex In Zero Gravity’
37. Tilliander – ‘Dunkel Dubdunkadunka’
38. Helix – ‘Whoosh (Ice Dispenser)’
39. Jam City – ‘Backseat Becomes a Zone While We Glide’
40. Seth Troxler – ‘Crosson Likes Poo (Lee Curtiss Likes It Too Remix)’
41. Frak – ‘Heating Generator, Cold Woman’
42. Actress – ‘Bubble Butts and Equations’
43. Basic House – ‘I Don’t Remember Acid’
44. Marcellus Pittman – ‘Loneliness Leave Me Alone’
45. Neil Landstrumm – ‘Dirty Butcher’
46. LCD Soundsystem – ‘Daft Punk is Playing At My House’
47. Squarepusher – ‘UFOs Over Leytonstone’
48. Four Tet – ‘The Track I’ve Been Playing That People Keep Asking About and That Joy Used in His RA Mix and Daphni Played on Boiler Room.’
49. Braxton Holmes – ‘Disco Midget Anthem’
50. Oval – ‘Brahms Mania’
51. Omar-S – ‘Here’s Your Trance, Now Dance!!’
52. Paperclip People – ‘Parking Garage Politics’
53. Blawan – ‘And Both His Sons’
54. Porn Sword Tobacco – ‘Giftwrap Yourself, Slowly’

55. Madteo – ‘Rugrats Don’t Techno For An Answer’
56. Jedi Knights – ‘Dances Of The Naughty Knights’
57. Kid606 – ‘Matmos Are The A-Team Of Electronica’
58. Pete Swanson – ‘Do You Like Students?’
59. Wiley – ‘Eskimo’ [unexceptional on the page, but for an entire style to be named after one of your instrumentals is quite something]
60. Gerry Read – ‘Well Friendly Aliens’
61. Aardvarck – ‘Just Washed That Pig’
62. Cristian Vogel – ‘To Remind You of You’
63. Blacknecks – ‘Four Cunts & A Badge’
64. Blacknecks – ‘Death Before Eastenders’
65. Blacknecks – ‘A Wandering Sense Of Disillusionment Eats The Soul Within This Decomposing Establishment Of Pain And Suffering (Bollocks To The Custard, Where’s The Suet Pudding Edit)’ [Blacknecks are really good at this]
66. Portion Reform – ‘Accidents in the Workplace’
67. Lindstrom – ‘There’s A Drink In My Bedroom And I Need A Hot Lady’
68. Theo Parrish – ‘Uppitynegronomics’
69. Damu – ‘Don’t Cry In My Bed’
70. DJ Koze – ‘Track ID Anyone?’
71. Jackmaster Dick’s Revenge – ‘Sensuous Woman Goes Disco’/’Sensuous Man Goes Disco’
72. Manitoba – ‘If Assholes Could Fly, This Place Would Be An Airport’
73. Claro Intelecto – ‘Baudrillard’s Supper’
74. Opiate – ‘Last Doctor Pepper in the Fridge’
75. Lone – ‘To Be With A Person That You Really Dig’
76. Sci-Fi Stars Vs Chicks with Dicks – ‘Loop You Fucker’
77. Altered Natives – ‘Wasteman of Love’
78. Ryan Hemsworth – ‘Ryan Must Be Destroyed’

79. 2 Bad Mice – ‘Waremouse’ [mouse picture via]
80. Phuture – ‘Acid Tracks’ [see ‘Eskimo’]
81. Anthony Child – ‘Boys, School Showers & Swimming Pools’
82. Radio Boy – ‘The Race Against Time Machines’
83. MDK – ‘Ultimately Boring (But Easy)’
84. DJ Sotofett – ‘Åsså Med Den Derre Fløyta (Video Bootleg Med Den Elektriske Fløyta)’ [very loosely translates as ‘Thingy with that there flute (video bootleg with the electric flute)’]
85. Rainforest Spiritual Enslavement – ‘These Spirits Are Thought To Live Far Out At Sea And Are Usually Malevolent’
86. So What – ‘Babes Love Sacred Geometry’
87. Ceephax – ‘Cobra Mist (Pylon Emotions)’
88. Mr Mitch – ‘The Lion, The Bitch and The Bordeaux’
89. Bass Clef – ‘Walworth Road Acid Trapdoor’
90. Max D – ‘Orgies of the Hemp Eaters’
91. DJ Spinn & DJ Rashad – ‘Horn Chemist’

92. The Orb – ‘A Huge Ever Growing Pulsating Brain That Rules From The Centre Of The Ultraworld’
93. Kode9 – ‘Black Sun’ [named in tribute to Kode9 and Burial burning a copy of The Sun, following the newspaper’s campaign to discover Burial’s identity]
94. Decal – ‘Free The Flange’
95. Unknown to the Unknown – ‘Rudolf Klorzeiger’s Cave’
96. Hype Williams – ‘Your Girl Smells Chung When She Wears Dior’
97. Techno Animal – ‘Tough Cop / Soft Cop’
98. Kingdom – ‘Takedown Notice’
99. Zomby – ‘Fuck Mixing, Let’s Dance’
100. Rhythim is Rhythim – ‘Strings of Life’